I've started getting into the first book on my reading list for next year "Learning and Teaching at Secondary School- Achieving QTS". Before you ask, QTS stands for 'Qualified Teacher Status'. There are a set of standard which I need to meet in order to pass my course, so all I have to do is show evidence for this, yes, that is it.

So, funnily enough, I realised how important it is that I know these standard, there are 33 in all. I am going to memorise, think about them, meditate on them, research about them and do all I can to ensure I know them like the back of my hand, and how to implement them. They are the teachers bible.

This then got me thinking, these standards are just a snippet of the bible for teachers, yet I am literally doing all I can to know them. Yet, how much more should we yearn to know and read the actual bible. This is our guide for everything, most importantly God. Yet I seldom think about it with the same urgency and intensity as these QTS standards. I lack the understanding of just how important it is to living. The Word should be constantly in my head, I should always be referring to it for decisions and how I act, yet I don't. If teachers took as little care in what they do in accordance with the teaching standard as much as Christians do with the bible then most teachers would get the sack, or WORSE, sent to prison to neglect and abuse. Man, how much should be living and breathing this thing?

Well, that was a wake up. I realise I need to be taking the bible 10 times more seriously than the QTS standards, not 10% so. I pray that God shows me how to do so and encourages me. I know it isn't going to be easy but I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength- Philippians 4:13.

I decided that I need to write down a list of things I want to achieve by the end of next week.

- Read all of one of my books on my reading list
- Make pancakes
- Go the New Forest show
- Find out what is going on with the whole Serbia trip
- Finish off my placement diary and tasks in my observation book
- Do all of my washing
- Sort through one suitcase of clothes
- Sort through a box of my stuff
- Start packing for London
- Email ex-housemates about bills
- Ring Interlet about bond

A lot of these things don't need to be done immediately, hence the reason they haven't been done. The thing is, I need to repeat this list in terms of number of things I have to do each week until London. So I don't want a back-log of stuff. Hence why I am writing it down now whilst I have time to think.

I think I'll take the rest of today off, and tomorrow (except church). I have started my washing so that is something.

Finally, I have a week to myself. I love these weeks, where I have nothing to do and can do whatever I like (except get at 8am today because of a hair appointment, lol). It has been the first of these weeks off in so long, nearly a year infact. I finished uni nearly 6 weeks ago now but there has been so much to do like saying goodbye to people, packing, moving, birthday, weddings, placements, and of course graduation. So now all that is out the way all I have to do is post some stuff off and organise my trip to London BABY.

I am heading to London to visit friends. Also to get a warm up for the big move. I am actually getting really excited now, but also nervous. It is completely new and I don't know the area at all. Fortunately google map is my friend and I managed not to get lost at all in Cardiff when I started :).

So here's to a relaxing week, and a few more to come. It also kicks off again in 3 weeks and that is it until I go to London, and then it's WORK. Man, can't wait to finish my education officially.

It's funny how you can go through life, thinking a certain way about yourself, yet be completely wrong. For so long my own view of me has been shaped and moulded by those people who haven't taken the time or effort to get to know me. Whether it be the shallow 15 year old who picked on me at school, the snotty professor who made smart-arse remarks on my coursework or the fellow Christian who thought so highly of themself that they merely thought I was not a high enough spiritual standard to be considered to fellowship with them. Yet what do these people know?

I realise that it is very likely that I am going to come out sounding like a hypocrite here. I am mostly speaking in metaphors and hypotheticals but there is some truth (if you can call it that) for what I say about the people in my life and how they have treated me. The most astounding revelation I have had these past few weeks is that "Judge not let ye be judged", which is in the bible. Simple, but it really got me thinking about what I judge myself and what by. It also says "Judge all things by the word of God", yet so many of my thoughts, opinions and feelings about myself are based on what people think, and worst of all what judgemental people (at least from what I can tell). It makes sense, if people don't pass judgement on you (be it good or bad), then how can you base your judgement on their's. If they did not pass judgement then how can you have any idea what they think?

The weird thing is, that I have become more aware lately that people have flaws. I know this but I seem to spend so much time involved in the chaos that is my life that other people's actions and words seem to bipass me. This means I build up in my head that everyone is so much better than me and not at fault, when in reality they are equally as bad (I say equal because sin is sin). Also, I often put myself down for not being as 'on fire' for God as I would like to be, especially since so many other people appear to be. Then I realised that so often people put on a super-spiritual fascade and that in realitily we all have this issue and that it isn't even a competition. God is more interested in our relationship with Him and us following His word.

I have realised that loving people, taking time to listen to them and care for them and being there for them is far more important than appearing on fire for God and super holy. Who cares? Who cares about the number of times a person has brought prophetic word? Who cares about whether someone has seen miracles? Who cares if someone has worshipped with angles? Of course all of these things are awesome and I would love to be able to partake in them, but this isn't a yard stick on which to measure our walk with God and our obedience to Him. God purposes things to happen and as long as we obey Him then IF He purposes these things to happen at a certain time and for us to be part of it then great, but if He doesn't then I don't want it. I don't want this if it isn't from God, I want GOD!

I beat myself up too much for not doing what is perceived as the 'Christian' things. Due to responsibilities and lack of ability to get around (due to transport), I can't attend loads of church stuff. People make me feel condemned sometimes (though not meaningfully) and I get treated like an outsider. Yet I realise I simply cannot be more involved (and trust me I want to be in the church). So I feel rubbish. But I have started realising that being part of a church (or churches as I am now in the weird inbetween uni and being home and moving again) is more than simply turning up and serving by putting out chairs. Speaking and praying with people when they are in need, loving people and sending them encouraging messages, witnessing to friends and telling them about church are all ways of doing church. So just because I can't do church they way I would like to or the way others would tell me is being a good Christian doesn't make me a bad one. At the end of the day we are all loved equally by God and there is no such thing as a 'good' Christian, we can't earn our good title no more than we can earn our salvation. So it isn't about how we are perceived by other Christians, or by non-Christians or anyone, but by God. And we can tell what this is by God's word, and really, that is all we should be getting our opinions about ourself from.

So I am going to quit worrying what my peers/leaders/family/friends/acquaintances/pupils/authority figures think of me, and only concern myself with what God thinks of me, because ultimately He is the one who is going to judge me when all is said and done, no one else will even matter.

So that is it, I am officially a graduate now. I am also exhausted. It was a long day today, with travelling to Cardiff and back (and going via Newport both ways). I am too tired to write properly now, so I will update you tomorrow if I have time (going to Ikea tomorrow- eeee :D).

It has been a busy few weeks. I recovered from shingles- huzzah! I'm so thankful that I got them when I did, had it been any other two weeks in the previous or future year then the consequences would have been dire, but even though illness doesn't come from God, He does allow us to be tested by things, and He knows what we can endure. So I don't think it is a coincidence that this occured when it did.

I had my birthday a week ago. It was pretty awesome, some friends came down from various places for a meal and beach fun. Both sides of my family were there too, which I thought was going to be really awkward (and it was), but everyone got on.

Lizzie came down the day before and we spent some time at dad's and then went with my sister to the new forest for dinner, it was good :). Lizzie had never seen wild horses before and she was so happy and excited when we saw some. We also saw wild cows and donkeys :D.

On the Sunday (my actual birthday) I didn't sleep well as I was so anxious about the familty situation. Me and Lizzie headed to church in the morning, which was awesome. I love how everyone is so friendly at church and Lizzie really had an experience at church (which I'll go into detail about at another time). We then picked the guys up from the station and met Sarah there. We then met Becky outside the restaurant, then chaos did ensue.

I had to go to Newport in the evening as I had a school placement in Newport. I was in a Primary school for a week, and it went really well :). I am so sure that I am meant to teach, but even more sure I am meant to teach secondary. The younger kids are cute but of a different mentality, and I got on more naturally with the older children. I think I am quite confident too, which is a good thing, but also really aware that I have a lot to learn. I guess that is the best combination.

So all is good. Life is good. God is good. I have my graduation on Tuesday. Family seem to be stressing and some of them are thinking it would be easier not to come. It is hard not to be selfish in these situations, but then again this is the most important day of my life thus far, if it was my wedding there would be none of this nonsense.

Anywho, will update more about graduation in a few days, just need to concentrate on keeping well :).

It makes me laugh when people seem somewhat predictable. Their past actions and mannerisms seem to follow a pattern, so that their future actions can be forecast. I have found this to be true of a lot of people, and in a very short space of time three different people confirmed this. If it wasn't for the fact that all of these actions could be considered negative from my perspective I would be highly delighted... but I must just settle for bemused (or amused... I don't know which is right, if either?!?). Perhaps I shouldn't find it amusing that people's bad habits or whatever you want to call them are still as true as the day I met them. Yet I find this oddly comforting and amusing that in the midst of all these changes most people just don't change.

Change is inevitable but we are who we are for all eternity (or at least our life times). This is a constant. So I guess it's not too surprising that people stay the same unless outside factors make them change. I think I have changed a huge amount over time so I find this odd, yet it seems to be I am the odd one in this case.

So there will always be people who are constant, never changing. I guess it is a good and a bad thing, the same way (yet completely different way) change is. Some times we want people to change because their behaviour has a negative impact on our lives, but if we expect the bad to change then the good is also subject to change. We shouldn't try and change people anyway, everyone is so futile to change in this day and age that pushing a person to change could push them too far, or make them go the other way. Why should people change? Growth? Pursuit of something? Who knows exactly? I know why change is good from a Christian perspective, but besides this it makes no sense.

I guess if you can't accept people for who they are then you just have to either put up with them or do without them, as most people aren't going to change just because you want them to.

I still love Lego.

I have a lot of hang ups, and they annoy me. Don't you hate it when you know you are being stupid about something, feeling guilty even, when there is nothing you can do about it and have little control over?

My biggest hang up and the moment is people, specifically so-called friends. I'm not saying they are so-called because they have betrayed my trust or anything, just that the relationships that were friendships have somewhat fizzled out in some cases. I hate losing friends yet at the same time I am rubbish with keeping in contact with people once I have moved away. Plus I am not too bad if the other person makes some sort of effort. Unfortunately I seem to make a lot of friends who don't bother (although I am equally guilty of this) once we depart.

The worst thing is that I know leaving Cardiff has meant leaving a lot of my friends. I just hope I keep contact. It seems easy now as they are currently my closest friends but when circumstances change and I make new friends I don't want to loose the old. Yet it happens and I need to accept that I'm not a bad person for letting this happen. I always feel guilty that I didn't make the effort, but friendships don't die easily and sometimes people grow apart. I am learning this very much now, people who used to be my best friends are hardly friends at all. It sucks but I can't let these things be a reflection of who I am as a person.

I'm trying to focus on the important things, like my future and the people who are true friends. I don't think I had many true friends at school, but I have made a few good 'uns at uni. I am glad about this, I know they'll be friends for life. The only curse of Facebook is that I see all the people who were my friends and most of them are still in contact with each other. I have days where I just want to delete them all off my friends list. It is like they are my friends and my enemies at the same time, they're frenemies. I think I have rejection issues, I can't understand why people are still in contact with each other and not me. Then again, as sad as it is to say, I think I am happier without these people in my life. I think it hasn't helped that people have accused me of not making an effort, but to be honest if someone is a true friend then they understand when things are tough and when to give someone space. So I am learning to decern the people who are my friends and the people who are hangers-on, the ones who make out they want the best for you but only want the best for them.

Just a side note, I am thinking of starting a new blog on a different site as I am having a few issues with unwanted people reading my blog. I am not going to say what the URL of the blog is on here but if you want to know then you can email me at amyob@hotmail.co.uk. Anyone is welcome to email me, this way if unknown people or people I know and are happy with are reading this then I can give it to them with my knowledge. Hopefully this will sort out the problems I have been having.

All is well... I haven't actually said that in such a long time. Life has been all over the place and due to the stresses and strains of life I haven't been able to rest knowing all is well for as long as I can remember.

With shadowing sorted out now, all I had to worry about yesterday was getting better. Unfortunately last night I had the worst nights sleep ever. I was very ill, I had a fever, my entire left side of my head was in pain, I thought I was going to black out. Just to top it off, I had severe stomach pain (which I don't understand how are related to the shingles). It was awful, I would have no sheets or duvet, then suddenly shake and get chills and have to wrap up.

I woke up this morning, usually annoyed as some sort of pain wakes me up, but not this morning. I was fine, except for the pain on my back where the shingles rash is. It makes such a difference just feeling better, my outlook is a lot more positive. Finally I can be happy with things.

There is so much to look forward to, yet all I could think about is the stupid shingles. I have my 21st birthday in 6 days, Zita and Lizzie are coming down on Saturday :). I then start my shadowing for a week, then have my graduation. Following this my friends are getting married and then I have about a month off doing whatever I like. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet, I think I may visit some people and do some exploring :). In about mid August I am going to Serbia again, then I am helping out with the Jubilee action fund stall at Greenbelt. It's all good.

After all of that I then have a week to get ready for Roehampton. It seems ages away but in reality it is only two months until my induction. I have such a long reading list but I will eat that up, fortunately I am not doing too much so have time to prepare. Then it is crazy busy for a while.

So, I have so much to look forward to, sadly I only realised it today, but being ill really sucks. I am not the best at being ill as I get bored. Even now I should still be in bed resting up, but I am going through my stuff and cleaning and sorting... I haven't that much to do, lol.

All is right with the world :), just a few annoying things to sort out, but I'll do that now.

I was thinking, seeing it is my birthday in only a week, about this past decade. It is also the last year of this decade and, as hard as it is to believe, it was nearly 10 years ago this millenium began.

11 was a very big year for me. In reality is was the year I stopped being a child and had to grow up. You see, my parents separated in the October of '99, when I was barely 11. My entire life was turned upside down then, my mum left my dad, my grandparents had to move down to help look after me, money got really tight and I was badly effected by the whole ordeal. Most importantly, only a week after my parents officially split, my dad took me to church for the first time. That was the real biggie, because little did I know that my parents separation would result in my salvation.

It is strange to think how different things were this time 10 years ago. I was at home, both my parents were together, I was fairly happy, and normal. It was indeed my parents split which changed my whole life forever. I would never change this though, as I can see now how everything worked out for the best, and even things are still tough with my family, I know I wouldn't be where I am without God, and more importantly that was a result of the separation. All things work to good for those who love God- Romans 8:28 (my favourite verse).

So here I am, nearly 21. So much has happened in these last 10 years, that is in itself is nearly half my life so far. Not one aspect of my life is the same, except my church. That is something, the church I first went to is the church I am still going to in Bournemouth, and I know it is because of this church I am where I am. That has been the only thing that has remained the same. Funnily enough I should be at this very church now but because I am unwell I am at home resting for a few crazy weeks that lie ahead (starting this Saturday).

The world has changed so much in these last 10 years too. Global warming, terrorists, recession, none of these were even fathomable back then. What an age we live in. We seem to live in such a doom and gloom time, yet I am hopeful.

I wanted to write a lot about these last 10 years, but there is so much to say. So I think the important thing now is to look ahead to these next 10 years. I wonder what will happen. I'll probably be married, maybe with children, maybe living abroad. I am likely to be teacher, maybe even have a masters or a PhD. I will be serving God, that is a certainty. Anything really could happen now, I am quite possibly in the most important year of my life, this year is full of more changes than any other year I have had so far, even that 11th year a decade ago.

I'm not unhappy about turning 21 (unlike turning 20, lol), but I am excited and expectant, this is where I think my life really starts :).